“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves”

         –Carl Jung

True, but Carl Jung left out one crucial part. The key is stopping to ask yourself “why” you feel irritated in the first place. The best coaches and leaders ask that sort of question. They know they cannot truly connect with themselves and their team members without self-awareness. Many mistakes are made when people act without reflecting on how they want to show up in their work and personal lives.

In a recent post about DIY coaching, the focus was on possible mistakes. Many of the mistakes I mentioned in the post (like “doing it for” and “using accountability to punish”) happen more from an emotional reaction. As the coach and leader of your sales team, they need to know you are ready to listen, flexible in your responses, and encourage them to learn and improve. But none of this comes out of the blue. You have to be willing to ask yourself questions and listen to your answers. This is where self-awareness begins.

Why should I care? My sales team needs to perform better

Leadership is a relational journey. For some, it can be a journey to gain power over others. That may not be the most pro-social relationship, but it does exist. For others, the key is being compassionate (not the same thing as kindness) and competent in having difficult conversations.

Great leadership comes from developing one’s maturity. Things like developing patience and knowing one’s outlook and mood can encourage or limit the productivity and morale of the team. But the more I think about it, the more it seems that time and experience season us as leaders. We see our foibles and warts when we bounce off other people. But it isn’t necessarily a negative. Sure, at the moment, it might be an unpleasant lesson about ourselves. But we wouldn’t see things so clearly without people stopping us in our tracks.

Managing conflict may be the greatest test of how leaders manage relationships.

Those moments that show us our foibles and warts are moments of opportunity. We might continue to relate to others as if they are the crazy ones who should listen better, stop questioning us or generally stop being so stupid. And…this is information that also makes us better coaches.

The greater challenge lies in taking a moment to look at ourselves with clearer eyes. For a coach/leader, there are learning opportunities for all your team members. When we hit that bump in our relationship with someone, and there is conflict, it often triggers our emotions. These triggers may be due to someone violating our value system, old hurts, or even insecurities about our current identity and competence.

We have specific ideas about who we are and how people see us. Some conflictual relationships seem to make us act immaturely and/or irrationally. When our perceptions about ourselves are contradicted, it creates cognitive dissonance. As in, “I know I should be better than this but that person makes me (crazy, spiteful or…).”  Discovering your “why” is about recognizing and alleviating cognitive dissonance.

Learning about ourselves is not done in a vacuum

The most difficult person you have a relationship with is perhaps one of your greatest teachers. Leadership is often said to be more about character and beliefs than what you do. Your actions manifest your character and beliefs. As the sales leader of your team, you have greater access which means there is a greater chance to enhance or lessen relationships. When we ask ourselves powerful questions, we must use compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. It becomes part of deciding what to hold onto and let go of. This switches our cognitive dissonance to cognitive resonance. As leaders, we can now respond to conflict with the wisdom of when to be flexible and when to hold firm.

But…this takes practice and, fortunately or unfortunately, relationships with other people to illuminate where we are more adept and where we need more practice. This is the journey of how great coaches and leaders develop themselves.

When you think about sales effectiveness at your organization, does it seem like you are close but just missing those unique elements that give you that competitive edge? Looking for a way to understand how your buyer thinks, decides, and reveals information? At The Nova Consulting Group, we believe that professional selling is a craft. With the Advanced Sales Conversation©, you have those missing elements that move your salespeople from competency to mastery. With our deep understanding of what makes and sustains high-performance organizations, we provide integrated solutions that do not replace your sales methodology and yet advance a progressive selling mindset. Be bolder, more insightful, and get results. To learn more about how to master the craft of sales and encourage sustainable high performance, call  (617) 933-7249 or email info@novaconsultinggrp.com.